I was a romantic at heart, even as young as I was, maybe sixish years old. When I heard that song I felt it, I wanted it. I wanted to be "killed softly". I felt I was truly there, truly in that place and I felt, at once, so wonderful and so sad. I grew up with that song and the feeling that one day a man would "strum my pain with his fingers and sing my life with his word." I didn't know how, I just knew.
Now, my life half past, I have finally met that man and though he was not a musician in a park, his effect was every bit as profound. I truly did feel "he found my letters and read each one out loud." And I got so wrapped up in living with that in my life, the feeling like I was truly "known" for once in my life, that I neglected to remember how the song ends. The way I knew it would happen, the way I "remembered" it happening.
She went home, alone, to weep gently with only memories so soft and sweet, knowing that man was never hers.
In the constant categorizing of people a group has arisen that is small and often maligned, but it happens to be a group that is gracious enough to include us and offer us acceptance and protection. GBLT. We get to be the letter at the end of this now common acronym and in some ways it seems appropriate because we are kind of an after thought, the late-comers, I guess, certainly the smallest subgroup within this group.
You would think it is enough to be divided up into such a small part of a small part, but apparently that is not enough for some of us. There are those that continue to divide the T into yet smaller subcategories until we eventually hardly have a group to belong to. Well, I am a pre-op, 4th class, second sub-phylum, early manifesting m2f transsexual who exhibits inclinations towards conservative wardrobe and pansexual/asexual submissiveness with a fondness for thin socks and I can't have anything to do with anyone outside of my category. Three words spring to mind: W..T..F? I have actually seen websites dedicated to the differentiation between so-called "true" transsexuals and "the rest". Really?! And the self-proclaimed true transsexuals hate the others. I am serious.
So these people have taken the smallest subgroup of the smallest subgroup of the already small GBLT section of humanity and imposed an us/them differentiation on that. Really, who does that leave for us? Who are my friends and supporters? Who am I allowed to approach or feel a commonality with? Well, I personally feel a commonality with all in the T category because we all are gender-nonconforming no matter how that manifests and those looking at us from the outside truly have no understanding of us. I mean, as a transsexual I don't truly understand what if feels like to be a CD, how it feels to have the ability to be happy with being at times male and at times female, but I do understand what it's like to not be cisgendered and the discrimination that comes with that and that is our commonality. Going further, I feel a commonality with the G, B and L as well because I am also sexuality non-conforming and I understand how that separates us from the straight populace and the discrimination that comes with that. (Just a side note: No matter how you describe yourself with the T category, unless you are truly Asexual you are, or will be at some point in you life, either G, B or L. This is inescapable.)
I have learned very much the hard way that just because I am trans doesn't automatically win me friendship and acceptance by every other trans. We are still human with individual personalities that sometimes don't really mesh. It was really hard to take at first because, upon coming out, I needed friends who understood, but falling within such a small category of those who should understand leaves so few human beings to befriend. And when even a few of them didn't like me on a personal level and snubbed me that was devastating and made me feel yet more marginalized, yet more alone. I personally don't like every single trans person I've met either, but in order to maintain this itty-bitty community I try to be, at least cordial to everyone I meet. It is my hope we all do that to an extent so that we don't have to feel alone and so divided. We already have something of a reputation with those outside of our group of being Drama Queens why prove them right with petty infighting. We are bigger and better than that.
I'm ba-ack! Wow my last posting here was in April and how things have changed since that time. If you read my last post entitled "The Price They Pay", you would see that back then I had a wife and obviously some hope of staying with her through my transition. In that post I said in reference to spouses of TGs, and my wife in particular, that, "We owe them our understanding and gratitude no matter how they must proceed with their own lives." Well... she has proceeded with her life and that happens to be seperate from me. Does it hurt? Yes it does very much. I've so far not made it through a day without breaking into tears at least once. A song comes on the radio, or I see an item from her, or a place we use to go, or I just have a thought or a memory, and on comes the waterworks. Am I bitter, or angry? On an emotional level, yes, but intellectually, no, not at all. I do realize that just like me she was caught up in a circumstance beyond her control. She did not ask to fall in love with a transsexual, she wasn't prepared for what that might entail and I certainly failed in letting her know what she was in for. I did have full intentions to "tough it out" for the entirety of my life and I told her as much. I was an absolute fool; little did I know that I just could not do it, that just wishing for normalcy and trying to distract myself from the problem does not make it go away.
Anyway, I am on my own now, minus wife and children. I still get my kids on the weekends and my wife and I are still friends, it's just now we're just friends whose lives have taken seperate paths. Since I have a little extra time now, I can get back to learning Blogger and making some friends here. I have remained somewhat active on 360, YouTube, and MySpace over the past months and some of you may know me from there already so if I get repetative on you here, please forgive me. Here is a YouTube post I made recently. It might kind of explain where I've come from and where I am now. I know I look hideous in this video, but that was a hard morning following a sleepless night swimming in tears. We don't always wake up pretty, do we?
PS Thanks Chloe for your advice in taming my hair and kind words. And watch my other YouTube vids if you want to see me at least try to look better.
I talk a lot about me, my whole emotional history from childhood, about friends and outings, about family and acceptance and advocacy, but I never touched yet on the most important person in my life other than to mention some material gifts she's given me. Why not? Well, in a way I consider our relationship to be sacred ground. My wife has known about my transgenderism longer and in more detail than any single person in my life (actually more than everyone combined) and is the most affected by it, yet she has stood by me and continues to do so through adversity you cannot imagine. Even I cannot easily dissect the depth of her love or comprehend the sense of loss she must be feeling in light of recent events. All I can really say is this: The spouses of transgendered people suffer right along side them and pay a heavy price for their love. In many cases they feel they are losing someone they had their whole life invested in. In many cases we are asking them to change their sexual orientation. In many cases we get so wrapped up in ourselves that their needs are lost in the shuffle. We owe them our understanding and gratitude no matter how they must proceed with their own lives. I know I wouldn't want to walk even two steps in my wife's mocassins. Think about it.