Lay Softly Dying

When I was a tiny trannie music buoyed my soul, carried me through dispair so often. And as is the intention of songwriters, I identified with the voice of the songs I so loved. One song stood out, though, as something more than just shared feelings, it came across to me as almost a memory I hadn't lived yet. It was a song that caused me to weep every time I heard it, but they were never bitter tears, just soft, melty tears as if I was gently dissolving into the universe. That song was "Killing Me Softly".
I was a romantic at heart, even as young as I was, maybe sixish years old. When I heard that song I felt it, I wanted it. I wanted to be "killed softly". I felt I was truly there, truly in that place and I felt, at once, so wonderful and so sad. I grew up with that song and the feeling that one day a man would "strum my pain with his fingers and sing my life with his word." I didn't know how, I just knew.
Now, my life half past, I have finally met that man and though he was not a musician in a park, his effect was every bit as profound. I truly did feel "he found my letters and read each one out loud." And I got so wrapped up in living with that in my life, the feeling like I was truly "known" for once in my life, that I neglected to remember how the song ends. The way I knew it would happen, the way I "remembered" it happening.
She went home, alone, to weep gently with only memories so soft and sweet, knowing that man was never hers.

Cohesive Community?

Sometimes vacation affords one the time to think. Unfortuantely my thoughts are currently plagued with wondering if our tiny, local, loosely adhered TG community will even be any longer. I so wanted a community here in Montana. The TDOR we hosted in Billings filled me with so much hope and I was actually proud of what we accomplished for a time, but Pride goeth before a fall, I guess. These thoughts actually wander and reach outside of what I see as our local situation, but I thought I would share them. I would love to open some constructive dialog. Please, anyone, give me your thoughts here without casting blame, naming names, or engaging in personal politics. I just want to know how you feel about what can be done to hold our community together and to actually grow it. Here is my rambling:

Community. There is the whole of humanity, within that whole we tend to separate ourselves out into smaller groups based on so many different criteria: ethnicity, gender, religion, nationality, etc. And I am guessing this is all in a quest to express some sense of identity in the world. If we can align ourselves with groups we identify with it makes us feel both included and unique.
In the constant categorizing of people a group has arisen that is small and often maligned, but it happens to be a group that is gracious enough to include us and offer us acceptance and protection. GBLT. We get to be the letter at the end of this now common acronym and in some ways it seems appropriate because we are kind of an after thought, the late-comers, I guess, certainly the smallest subgroup within this group.
You would think it is enough to be divided up into such a small part of a small part, but apparently that is not enough for some of us. There are those that continue to divide the T into yet smaller subcategories until we eventually hardly have a group to belong to. Well, I am a pre-op, 4th class, second sub-phylum, early manifesting m2f transsexual who exhibits inclinations towards conservative wardrobe and pansexual/asexual submissiveness with a fondness for thin socks and I can't have anything to do with anyone outside of my category. Three words spring to mind: W..T..F? I have actually seen websites dedicated to the differentiation between so-called "true" transsexuals and "the rest". Really?! And the self-proclaimed true transsexuals hate the others. I am serious.
So these people have taken the smallest subgroup of the smallest subgroup of the already small GBLT section of humanity and imposed an us/them differentiation on that. Really, who does that leave for us? Who are my friends and supporters? Who am I allowed to approach or feel a commonality with? Well, I personally feel a commonality with all in the T category because we all are gender-nonconforming no matter how that manifests and those looking at us from the outside truly have no understanding of us. I mean, as a transsexual I don't truly understand what if feels like to be a CD, how it feels to have the ability to be happy with being at times male and at times female, but I do understand what it's like to not be cisgendered and the discrimination that comes with that and that is our commonality. Going further, I feel a commonality with the G, B and L as well because I am also sexuality non-conforming and I understand how that separates us from the straight populace and the discrimination that comes with that. (Just a side note: No matter how you describe yourself with the T category, unless you are truly Asexual you are, or will be at some point in you life, either G, B or L. This is inescapable.)
I have learned very much the hard way that just because I am trans doesn't automatically win me friendship and acceptance by every other trans. We are still human with individual personalities that sometimes don't really mesh. It was really hard to take at first because, upon coming out, I needed friends who understood, but falling within such a small category of those who should understand leaves so few human beings to befriend. And when even a few of them didn't like me on a personal level and snubbed me that was devastating and made me feel yet more marginalized, yet more alone. I personally don't like every single trans person I've met either, but in order to maintain this itty-bitty community I try to be, at least cordial to everyone I meet. It is my hope we all do that to an extent so that we don't have to feel alone and so divided. We already have something of a reputation with those outside of our group of being Drama Queens why prove them right with petty infighting. We are bigger and better than that.

Confessions of a Transtitute...

Well, not really, but since I was dressed as a geisha (albiet a naughty geisha) and was at the same time mistaken for a prostitute, and I'm a tranny, I just thought the title was fun play on words.

Anyway, here's what happened: It was like any ordinary Halloween for any ordinary woman... or at least 75% of women. By that I mean, I was dressed like a slut! It WAS, after all, Halloween, right? Well, apparently if your a transsexual it means something more than just dressing up and having fun with your friends. Apparently it means you're willing to trade sex for money.

I was standing in the entry way to the club where the big Halloween party was, talking on the phone to my date while I waited for him, and this jacked-up penis-substitute of a pickup truck pulls up. The guy yells out the window, "Hey you workin'?" I first thought he's just talking to one of the other people, maybe a friend of his, about like real work or something. Then he shouts the question again, and I realize it's directed at me and that he means, "working" in the world's oldest profession sense. I cast him a disgusted, dismissive look and turn away while I continue with my phone conversation. Then he persists and shouts to me, "$600 for 2 hours" while he motions to him and his girlfriend. I try to wave him off, shoo him away, with my free hand and he repeats himself a couple more times before he finally says, "Whatever!" in a very pissed tone and squeals away.

I was apalled by this very embarrassing situation and actually kind of hurt! Why, when I'm dressed no different than most of the GGs who were milling about all around me, does he assume I'm the one who is a willing sex worker? He wouldn't have dared to shout such things at one of them, I'm sure. Is it because I'm a tranny? Does being a tranny mean I'll desperately jump into bed with any asshole who approaches me on the street with money? Was he angry because, he thought I should have been flattered by his offer? Did he think I should be greatful because I am a tranny and I MUST be desperate? And $600!? For 2 hours!? Was I supposed to think that was generous... cuz I'm a tranny? Grrr!!

A lot can change in half a year...

I'm ba-ack! Wow my last posting here was in April and how things have changed since that time. If you read my last post entitled "The Price They Pay", you would see that back then I had a wife and obviously some hope of staying with her through my transition. In that post I said in reference to spouses of TGs, and my wife in particular, that, "We owe them our understanding and gratitude no matter how they must proceed with their own lives." Well... she has proceeded with her life and that happens to be seperate from me. Does it hurt? Yes it does very much. I've so far not made it through a day without breaking into tears at least once. A song comes on the radio, or I see an item from her, or a place we use to go, or I just have a thought or a memory, and on comes the waterworks. Am I bitter, or angry? On an emotional level, yes, but intellectually, no, not at all. I do realize that just like me she was caught up in a circumstance beyond her control. She did not ask to fall in love with a transsexual, she wasn't prepared for what that might entail and I certainly failed in letting her know what she was in for. I did have full intentions to "tough it out" for the entirety of my life and I told her as much. I was an absolute fool; little did I know that I just could not do it, that just wishing for normalcy and trying to distract myself from the problem does not make it go away.

Anyway, I am on my own now, minus wife and children. I still get my kids on the weekends and my wife and I are still friends, it's just now we're just friends whose lives have taken seperate paths. Since I have a little extra time now, I can get back to learning Blogger and making some friends here. I have remained somewhat active on 360, YouTube, and MySpace over the past months and some of you may know me from there already so if I get repetative on you here, please forgive me. Here is a YouTube post I made recently. It might kind of explain where I've come from and where I am now. I know I look hideous in this video, but that was a hard morning following a sleepless night swimming in tears. We don't always wake up pretty, do we?

PS Thanks Chloe for your advice in taming my hair and kind words. And watch my other YouTube vids if you want to see me at least try to look better.

The price THEY pay.

I talk a lot about me, my whole emotional history from childhood, about friends and outings, about family and acceptance and advocacy, but I never touched yet on the most important person in my life other than to mention some material gifts she's given me. Why not? Well, in a way I consider our relationship to be sacred ground. My wife has known about my transgenderism longer and in more detail than any single person in my life (actually more than everyone combined) and is the most affected by it, yet she has stood by me and continues to do so through adversity you cannot imagine. Even I cannot easily dissect the depth of her love or comprehend the sense of loss she must be feeling in light of recent events. All I can really say is this: The spouses of transgendered people suffer right along side them and pay a heavy price for their love. In many cases they feel they are losing someone they had their whole life invested in. In many cases we are asking them to change their sexual orientation. In many cases we get so wrapped up in ourselves that their needs are lost in the shuffle. We owe them our understanding and gratitude no matter how they must proceed with their own lives. I know I wouldn't want to walk even two steps in my wife's mocassins. Think about it.

To go with my new shooz

One of so many gifts from my sweet wife. I wouldn't have room here to put all the cute clothes she's given me and jewelry that she custom made for me. A girl couldn't ask for a better benefactor when it comes to accessorizing. Also, this purse goes with my already impressive collection that I had thanks to dear friend Julie the purse princess, the handmaiden of handbags, the connoisseur of clutches.

Happy Birthday Sis

To transition alone is a nightmarish proposition. The lucky among us can and do find advocates amongst their friends and family. Even though I did not begin my journey when I was young and afraid, I did know that I had that advocate in my little sister, and that fact did offer me some comfort over the years. She never knew I regarded her in that manner and I never told her about my TG status until just this year, but she reacted exactly as I expected, full of love and support only. Hope you had a wonderful birthday sis and I love you.

Yes, scrambled in the gulliver me droogs.

To clear some confusion, here is a link to the Nadsat dictionary: http://soomka.com/nadsat.html

Hopper's Dialectic Logic...man.

Just noticed something!

That was not planned.......... OK, maybe it was.

An amusing story.

I was relating to my wife, the lovely Sweet Vee, a realization I had when talking to my headshrinker. I realized that I really am just a little girl in ways because I never got to be one, but longed for the little girl things, so in essence I'm starting from there. Anyway, I was telling the shrink that it really hit home with me when I was looking at the notebook I brought to take notes in and was overcome with the feeling that it needed stickers to be more pretty. The next day, Sweet Vee, bought me a bunch of Tinkerbell stickers and a Tinkerbell book (cause she knows I LUV Tinkerbell) Of course I promptly festooned my cell phone with the kewl stickers and my notebook, too. This picture above is from one of my favorite websites http://www.tinkfanatic.com/ , check it out if you're into Tink too. C'mon, I know you are, everybody luvs Tink!

What the hell is Kynni-Chemy?

Kynni-Chemy is the alchemy I apply to myself, Kyndra (Kynni), and as you may know alchemy is the ancient pursuit of changing lead into gold, transformation. I am in the process of transforming myself into someone a little more, someone who feels whole and complete, in a sense, golden. So who is Kyndra? Well I'm a lifetime TS who is late to bloom. I spent my life timid and afraid and have finally decided after nearly 40yrs. it is time to finally be me, or at least as much of me as I can achieve. This brings me to the picture posted with this introduction. You might look at this and see only sadness, but look closer. Yes, that little girl is alone and sad in a dark room, but a door has opened, a shaft of light is upon her and she can come out now. For me that little girl was decades in the dark room, but here I am now, the door has finally opened and I'm now skipping out into the light whenever I can!